I know I'm not very good at keeping my blog updated, but
every time I think to write something, I just can't. But the Lord has been doing so very much and I want to share just a part of it.
I am still in somewhat of a transition from
Ellerslie back to Pennsylvania. The things I thought would be hard are easier than I thought, and the things I thought would be easy are harder. The thing I am
struggling with the most is being away from my
Ellerslie family. As I've told people back here at home, "when God drastically transforms your life, individually or as a student body, when God takes you through the same super-natural
experiences together, when you have the other students walking and standing beside you as He takes you through a
fiery furnace of purification/sanctification, or the process that God takes you through of dying to your self and all of your rights, desires, abilities, personality or character traits along with 55 other students doing the same thing, there is a bond between all of us that only those who have walked through it can really understand." Since I've been home, a part of me feels like it is missing. When I left for Colorado in May, so many people said I would most likely be homesick for the first couple of weeks; yet not once during the entire summer did I get homesick. I missed my family, yes, but I never got homesick. Being back home, I've been homesick for
Ellerslie and for my family back there. They know me in a way that people here do not. But as I am continually reminding myself, it will take time for my friends and family here to know all that God did in me this summer. It seems that I have been at a loss for words. I also don't want to
verbally vomit all over my family. :) Because I know that if I tell one thing it'll lead to another. For example the other night, I was talking with my parents for 30 minutes - which then turned into another hour and a half with my dad. We moved into another room and my brother said (mostly joking), "Camille, would you stop talking? I'm trying to watch TV and you're talking a lot." Another thing to keep in mind, when you're from a big family and you're a middle child, it's often VERY hard to get a word in without getting
interrupted. So when you have a few minutes (or hours) you take it and you run with it. I'm mostly joking, it's not that bad, but hopefully you get what I'm saying. ANYWAY... As much as I have missed Colorado,
Ellerslie, the teaching, my brothers and sisters... God has been doing some amazing things here. Every single day since I've been back He's shown me why I'm here and has given me
glimpses of how He wants to use me. His question to me daily is, "Are you willing?".
Yes, Lord, I am soooo willing!! God is continually making it clear to me that He wants me here for the time being and I desire to be where my King wants me. Yet I literally feel an ache, a longing, to be back in Colorado.
But Thy will be done, not mine.
My church hired me as a part-time youth intern. I will be working with the Sr. & Jr. High youth groups, but the majority of my time and focus will be with the Jr. High. I'll be taking on some of the teaching, planning the events, and the thing I'm most excited about is that I will be doing one-on-one
discipling/mentoring with the girls. I am so excited and the way that God has written this part of my life story over the past 3 years has been incredible to watch. It humbles me daily. Even though I am excited at the
opportunity to be used by God in this way, I tremble at the task. Completely humble and utterly dependent upon my God to do it. I felt
inadequate before
Ellerslie, and now, after
Ellerslie I feel even more
inadequate. I have never ever been so dependent upon God in my entire life- yet I know that is the best place to be. So I thank Him for that. Daily I confess to my Lord that I cannot do it on my own and that I need His enabling grace to do what He has called me to do.
One of the sessions Eric taught this summer was called "The War Counsel: built in the secret place to be spilled out in the open fields of God's glory". He spoke about how there are seasons in our lives where God will call us in to the secret place (of
preperation). There are stories all over the old and new testament of when God called His people to come away to a secret place. That is where they found His strength and God built them up strong. Then God would send them back out into the open fields (of demonstration). The secret place is the place where we are being prepared and built strong to then go out and share the
gosple with the world. There are seasons where the Most High God calls us away to the secret place, then there are seasons that He calls us to be living poured-out lives for His glory. Eric said that
Ellerslie is like the secret place (to be built), and after the 11 weeks this summer, God may call some of us out into the open fields (to then be spent), or He may call some of us to come back in October to continue this season in the secret place. I know my God knows me better then I know myself, but it's funny because I did/do not "feel" ready to be in the open fields. Why God? Was what I asked. Not in a complaining way, but because I didn't understand. When I was at
Ellerslie, I felt like one of the "weakest" students there, and I thought for sure I needed to have more time in the secret place to be built up and made strong. But God has made it so very clear to me, "Camille, your time to go out into the open fields is now. Yes you are weak, but I need someone who is weak so that My strength will be seen in and
through you. This is for my glory and I'm looking for one who is willing. One who is willing to be spent for My name's sake." Constantly He was/is asking me, "Are you willing?". "
More than willing, Lord", is my
response. I feel like a David; small and weak on my own. Yet at the same time, I've never "felt" so strong, but I know it is not my strength, it is the strength of my Mighty God in and through me. I know how big my God is and I know and have seen His power. I stand upon that fact and I continually yield myself to Him, and I know that He will enable me to live this life wholly devoted to Him. His glory will be seen. No matter how I feel, I will not live by how I feel, but I will live by the Word of God-which is fact! My God says, "I will be with you. I will not leave you or forsake you. Be strong and very courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for I, Lord your God is with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1 paraphrased) and in Psalm 112, "for the righteous will never be moved...he is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm,
trusting in the Lord. His heart is steady he will not be afraid." Those are the words of my Almighty God and I know and believe that my God cannot lie!! Therefore this is truth- I can stand upon it and grab a hold of it as His promises. He says it, I believe it and I walk in it.
As I look back at the summer and see the things God did for me in just those 11 weeks I think, how could I not live my life completely surrendered to Him and for Him. Yet as I look back over my life, seeing all that God has done for me, and the biggest thing of all over 2000 years ago; my precious Jesus dying on the cross, taking my shame, guilt and sin and clothing me in His righteousness, how could I ever desire to live for myself? This is truly the greatest news in history. I cannot and will not be silent any more.
"Lord, no matter the cost, I will follow You. This is not my life any more, it belongs to You. My mouth is Your mouth. My hands are Your hands. My feet are Your feet. My mind is Your mind. All of me is for You. Use me as You desire and I will go where ever You send me, whatever that means. Because of Your mercy, your love and your grace and the Life that You have given me, I will do whatever it takes to bring You glory. I know that I cannot do it on my own, but I know You will give me Your enabling grace each step of the way, You will be my Help. For You are my Almighty God and my Almighty Defense."
...You hold everything together by the Word of Your immovable power."
