The Faithfulness of God- An Update

Well, I just realized a few days ago that the last time I wrote an update post it was back in September when I first returned from my summer school. Well, MUCH has happened since then and I am in an entirely different place (heart/mindset/etc.) than where I was then. Soo...I will try not to be long and bore anyone who happens to read my blog. But I pray that this post will reflect the faithfulness and grace of my precious Lord.


My jobs have not changed. I am still nannying three days a week for my friend's little boy, who just turned three today. I am still working as a youth intern, part-time, at my church (Cornerstone Presbyterian Church, PCA. http://www.cornerstonepca.net/). I work with both Jr. & Sr. High youth groups! I love it! So non of that has changed....but God has done SO much in my heart. Several of the posts I've written in the past couple of months have been somewhat of a synopsis of the things that God has been teaching me. One of the biggest things I would say that God has been changing in my heart is realizing the depth of my daily sin. Realizing that my heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick...(Jeremiah 17:9), and that the ONLY good thing that is within me is that which the Lord has done. For there is NO good in me apart from my Lord (Psalm 16:2). Which, by the way, has drastically changed the way that I see and think about people. Which leads me to the second greatest thing the Lord has been working on in me: LOVE. What it means to truly love people. It's a hard thing to grasp...and I never will fully nor will I ever do it perfectly, here on this earth, but I know that my Father is in the process of changing my heart.


Side note: I have been working on a post for the past two months on the subject of LOVE. So more on that to come...whenever I finish it. :)


Another thing...which I'll probably post about soon ;)... is how God is teaching me to trust in Him with all of my heart (Proverbs 3:5-6) and what that looks like in my daily life when I can't see often times what is 5 feet in front of me (2 Corinthians 5:7). I'm honestly not sure what else to write. But that God is just doing amazing things in my life and the lives of those that He has placed in my life. He IS faithful and He IS truly good! I am SOOOO happy and thankful that God did not call me to return for the second phase of the school I went to this summer. Because if I went back, I would not have learned the things that He has taught me through being home. I would not know the things that I know now. Once again...He IS faithful and He knows what He's doing. Yes, I knew this back in September, but I was struggling to see that. All I could do was believe. (Which I failed at...many times.) But now, I am able to SEE the ways God has been faithful and good in calling me to stay home in the past eight months. And there is literally no other place I'd rather be...there is no other place I desire to be, but here: serving and loving on my family, my church family and those that He places in my life that are in need of the grace, mercy and love of our Heavenly Father. So that's just about it! I can't really think of anything else...but just felt like I should write an update considering last time I wrote one I was really struggling with being home. I wanted to testify to, yet again, God being faithful!

" 'For I know the plans I have for you.' declares the Lord,

'plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.' "

~Jeremiah 29:11~

Chief Among Sinners

      Paul said, in 1 Timothy 1:15, that he was the "chief among sinners", the worse of all sinners. Many years ago I wrestled with why Paul, of ALL people said such a thing. I thought, "Yeah sure, he's a sinner...but the CHIEF? What about all the OTHER people that just did horrible things; murder, rape, abuse, etc..." The Lord showed me what that meant soon after I began asking. And recently, in the past 6 months, God has been showing it to me in deeper ways. So I will explain why I believe Paul says this.


Paul is a sinner. Yes, he is redeemed. But he is a redeemed sinner. When God looks upon Paul, yes He sees His Son's righteousness and perfection, but Paul is still a sinner. He is still VERY human. Just as human as before he was saved. Now first let me say, that I am not saying that because Paul was redeemed and that God saw him as Jesus that he can just continue living "in sin". So just know that I'm not saying that, okay? Alright...anyway. Paul says he is the worst of all sinners. He says this AFTER he is saved. He didn't say it BEFORE he knew Christ, but after. Why? Paul knows his heart. Obviously, he doesn't know the depth of his sinful heart because if so, he would be utterly crushed and killed by it, but he knows it to a certain degree. Paul doesn't know the hearts of other's. He doesn't. He can't know that...he's not God. Paul can't judge or say what is in other's hearts because he does not know. But he DOES know his OWN heart. You see, God has been showing me over the past several months that I AM the chief among sinners. He is showing me my heart more and more. I don't and can't know what is in another person's heart, only what is in my own. So therefore I cannot claim that I am "better" of a person/christian if I can't see /know another person's heart. But oh, how often do we look at what is "wrong" and sinful in someone else's life?

"Why do you see the speck in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?" -Matthew 7:3.

       We do this ALL the time. As God is showing me the depth of my sinful heart, it is honestly by His grace. By His grace alone he is showing me my sinful heart. And you know what? I am so thankful. Why?
1. I see that I have NO good apart from my Lord (Ps. 16:2).
2. As I see my heart/sin, the cross become much bigger in my life. How so? Because I begin to see how much more of a sacrifice Jesus gave on my behalf. It is astounding! It is HUMBLING.


There is a saying...I'm not sure who said it or where it comes from, but if you ever come to my church you will quickly hear it (or a variation of it):

 "Cheer up! You are a lot worse than you think, BUT in Christ more loved than you ever dared hope!"

 [Side note: 'BUT' I think is one of the most powerful words in the entire Bible. Check out Ephesians 2:4]

Seriously friends, can you grab a hold of this? Paul understood the Gospel unlike any person I have ever known or read about. He got it! Why? Because He knew the depth of his sin and the great mercy and love of the God of the universe. Another thing to think about. Just imagine with me. If we had this mind set of "being the chief among sinners" how would that change the way we interact with people? How would that change the way we love them? My goodness...it would drastically change!!! We would begin to truly love people. We would begin to love them with the Gospel; the Truth and Love of a Holy King. We would know the mercy, forgiveness and love of a Father that has forgiven the depth of our sin. We would then begin to see that, "Wow! If God can forgive ME, the worst of the worse, then how much more can I, by His grace alone, love and forgive others?" Sounds like this is..."manageable" right? Well, how about loving those that are hard to love? The socially awkward ones? The ones that make YOU feel extremely awkward? How about the ones that seem really prideful/arrogant? How about the murders? The rapists? OR...how about the ones that have wronged and sinned against you? Maybe the ones that persecute you...slander you...hmmm. "Yeah, God, I can't love THEM. I mean are you really asking me to love THEM. They've slandered my name and back stabbed me. They've basically ripped me to shreds and then just stomped all over what's left of me. You really are asking....TELLING... me to love them?"

God's response.... "Yes."

I ask, "But God, how on EARTH do I love them?"

My Father loving responds, "Camille, my daughter. Do you not remember what I have done for you? Take a look at your heart. Don't you see that you are still in desperate, daily, moment by moment in need of ME? Look at how I have loved and forgiven you. Even more, take a look at how my Son was treated, right before He died for you. And He was completely blameless. He was perfect, and yet was spat on, beaten, etc. And He still loved. He lives inside of you, which means that you can love just like that. No, you're not going to be perfect at it, but you can take that step of loving them by forgiving them and extending grace."

Seeing what my Father and Savior have done for me, how can I NOT forgive and love? As I see the depth of my sinful heart, how can I NOT extend grace, knowing that I don't know their hearts, but I do know my own. I know that I am far worse than any other being. I am the chief among sinners. The worst of the worse. Yet in seeing that, I am truly humbled by believing that I am loved deeper and purer and perfectly loved than anything I could ever dare hope for. "Thank You, Holy One for Your great love. For loving me so much that You died for a wretch like me."